It is well before dawn as I sit in the field and look over the grasses. The morning has a bitter chill to it. The clouds are low and dark, and snow blows into my face. There is no escaping – if I turned around, the wind would shift with me. I seem to encounter this scene over and over again – and it’s always so bitterly cold. Rejection sits on my shoulders, glaring down at me. Rejection is heavy and presses down through me.
The snow increases in strength and starts accumulating on my hair – on my arms – and in my lap. Around my legs, the snow starts piling up. The snow today is wet and penetrates my being.
There will be no stroll around the field – the weight of Rejection doesn’t allow for that. There will be no laying down – Rejection doesn’t allow for sleep. Rejection debilitates – no movement allowed. All I can do is sit and wait it out – feeling the weight – feeling the snow in my face – feeling the cold dampness accumulating around me – feeling the chill enter my veins and penetrating the marrow of my bones.
Rejection used to bring others – Worthlessness, Ugliness, and many more – Rejection comes alone now. Rejection alone has enough strength – enough weight – enough presence glaring down at me that it crushes my soul.