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Notions of a Lone Wolf Along my Trail

Written in late 2017, the below piece is the most commented and controversial of all my writing. Many years later I look at it and could re-write it in a more current state of mind but why?????


I am a lone wolf walking along my trail
Though I am not alone
Often my trail is busy with visitors
Most often one at a time
Sharing my trail

My friends are not a group
They are individuals scattered all over – all over the world
Friends with depth and meaning
But sometimes as a wolf, I abandon – or leave you as a bloody carcass
My trail is filled with carcasses

When you meet me you know I am different
I will give you the best hug you’ll ever receive
Full of life, compassion, and energy
You will share with me quickly and deeply
Deeper than with most of your closest friends
You will share secrets you never thought you’d share
There is no judgment on my trail

I will tell you the truth that others won’t
Sometimes you won’t like it
Other times you will be grateful
Unvarnished honesty marks my trail

I am not part of your core tribe of friends
Nor would you ever invite me into yours
We only meet on my trail

You won’t talk about me behind my back
Even your closest friends may never hear of me
You won’t know how to describe our relationship with others
Sometimes I will feel unworthy of being talked about
Times of eerie unwelcome silence along my trail

I consider myself unworthy of being a member of a tribe
Especially your tribe
Sometimes you are my best friend
Though I am never your best friend
My trail can leave me yearning

Sometimes after we meet you’ll be lightened by sharing yourself
Other times you’ll be exhausted from the intensity
Where does my trail take you?

Sometimes I wish you would initiate interaction
Though I know you never will
Times when I curl into a tight ball on my trail
If you expose your insecurities to me
I will build you up
If you expose your heart to me
I might embrace it – or I might devour it
Leaving your carcass along my trail

If I feel lonely when I am with you I will abandon you
I constantly test you – sorry, but it’s true
I am testing not for loyalty BUT depth of understanding
Understanding of me – understanding of yourself – understanding of everything
Times of astonishing exploration along my trail

A wolf is fiercely independent
Sometimes I choose to be alone on my path
Other times I want camaraderie
Though there may be no one to join me
Just me and my trail, my trail and just me

I am deeply aware of myself
I am not filled with anger or resentment
I accept where I am at
Any failure is my own
I know my unworthiness is due to my own lack of self-compassion
Standing tall on my trail – even when I am drowning in my own tears

Those who see deep inside recognize the pain and hurt I endure
Some will be scared and abandon
Spilling my blood along my trail

I sometimes say things that hurt without intention
Sometimes I transform into a werewolf causing tremendous pain and suffering
I am just hiding and protecting my pain
The trail of carcasses – including my own – takes its toll

You don’t know when I’ll show up
And sometimes I’m not welcome
When I turn away, I might abandon forever
It may take you months or years to realize I am gone
My trail vanished – vanished for eternity

Sometimes my trail takes me to the dark forest
Where my trail disappears
These are times to leave me alone
As the only escape is to burn the forest down
The fire rages hot and the forest burns quickly
Charred carcasses near the trail

The fire burns me to grey ashes
So I can rise up again
I attempt to be stronger, more compassionate, more loving
But more often I end up the same
Failed phoenix wolf standing alone on my trail

Beware of falling in love with me
You may love me more than anyone else
While I may share that love
I am a wolf and will move on
Another bloody carcass along the trail

If I hurt you early or overreact
It is because I really like you
My instinct is to sabotage that relationship because I am not worthy
Spilling my own blood along my trail

After some time most will abandon
The depth and love get worn down by time past, intensity or fear
Fear I will abandon first – or worse leave you as a bloody carcass
Whose carcass will be left on my trail first?

Wherever and whenever I reach my trail end
Deep inside I know everyone who joined along my trail will be there
At long last, you all meet – meet my trail
Though I will be dead and won’t know
My trail without me